Query Struggles
>> Monday, June 7, 2010
Well, I thought I'd found a happy medium between voice and formula, but it's not apparently successful either. Any of you want to help me figure out why? If I can figure out my marketing mistakes (and I'll be the first to say, I'm no marketer), perhaps I can carry that thinking elsewhere.
Tander was afraid those carefree days where he was master of his own destiny and comfortable with his own abilities were gone for good. First, his wife, Layla, told him she was pregnant, as she was rescuing him from his own folly..Any ideas?
Then, he discovered he was no longer just the extraordinary swordsman he always wanted to be. Apparently he's also some sort of powerful magical prodigy though he has no idea how to use his powers. He does have an unprecedented six tiny kitten familiars with more magical know-how than Tander will likely ever have, and who aren't shy about pointing out Tander's shortcomings.
All of which faded to nothing when Layla and other women of the Jenri tribe were abducted, leaving a dozen husbands left for dead, including Tander. Tander knows nothing about the kidnappers except that they have nefarious plans, phenomenal magic powers, and are hidden in the midst of frozen mountains so cold Tander might shatter if he stumbles one more time.
To save them he'll have to lead a band of angry sorcerers, cutthroats and Jenri warriors, all just as anxious over the safety of their loved ones as he is. Tander has to lead them to the right place quickly, while learning what magic he can, so they can save the stolen Jenri, if his impatient rescue party doesn't kill him first.
He didn't want these powers or a flock of noisy but helpful kittens, but he'll need them. He'll need all the skills and talents he and all his companions possess to succeed. Because he has something more important than his life to lose: Layla.
Curse of the Jenri is a fantasy novel of about 116,000 words.
First: does anyone on this website ever like a query? Or do we have a queen-bee syndrome going on?
Second: I find it confusing. Queries need to be easy to read and quick to the point, because no one is going to give you more than a few seconds of their time.
I had a shorter one, but Tander came off as unlikeable. Clearly, it still needs more work. And to be clear.
I will go into more detail tomorrow.
There are a few things I think you could do—not necessarily better just more readable…
Like tell how he got to be a powerful wizard, not just state it or at least show something along those lines.
And it wouldn’t hurt to fill us in or the kittens, where and how did he get them and why would they help him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“All of which faded to nothing when Layla and other women of the Jenri tribe were abducted, leaving a dozen husbands left for dead, including Tander. Tander knows nothing about the kidnappers except that they have nefarious plans, phenomenal magic powers, and are hidden in the midst of frozen mountains so cold Tander might shatter if he stumbles one more time.”
(This work for me, just cut out the part “so cold Tander might shatter if he stumbles one more time.”)
(It’s more confusing than helpful.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“To save them he'll have to lead a band of angry sorcerers, cutthroats and Jenri warriors, all just as anxious over the safety of their loved ones as he is. Tander has to lead them to the right place quickly, while learning what magic he can, so they can save the stolen Jenri, if his impatient rescue party doesn't kill him first.”
(Love this paragraph… no need to change anything there.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“He didn't want these powers or a flock of noisy but helpful kittens, but he'll need them. He'll need all the skills and talents he and all his companions possess to succeed. Because he has something more important than his life to lose: Layla.”
(No prob with this one either…)
I’ll look at the first two paragraphs closer tomorrow… and this time I will try and explain what I mean better, so you don’t think I am being obtuse.
I think you're half way there—to me it’s the best one yet, just some minor tweaking of the first two paragraphs.
I appreciate your taking the time, Jeff. I'll give some thought to your comments and am truly grateful for the detail.
Tander’s once happy and carefree life just got flipped upside down. His pregnant wife Layla and other women of the Jenri tribe were abducted last night. Tander knows nothing about the kidnappers except that they have nefarious plans, phenomenal magic powers, and rumored to have an underground fortress in the midst of frozen mountains.
To save them he’ll have to band together a group of sorcerers, cutthroats and jenri warriors, all just as anxious for their loved ones as he is. Tander must discover the right path to the fortress quickly, while learning what magic he can from six powerful kittens known as familiars. The familiars’ vast knowledge might be enough to help save the stolen Jenri, only time will tell.
He didn't want this reasonability or a flock of noisy kittens, but he'll need them. He'll need all the skills and talents he and all his companions possess to succeed. Because he has something more important than his life to lose: Layla and his unborn child.
Curse of the Jenri is a fantasy novel of about 116,000 words.
(This isn’t perfect or in any way trying to say it’s better than yours… it’s the only way I can convey what I mean.
The only thing –to me- that was missing from your others was specific info. Like who are the kittens, where did they come from or why does he have them? Did he find them? Did he earn them? Did they just show up? I get the sense they are important to the story but they aren’t portrayed that way.
Also how did they take the women? By force was he there?
I hope it helps… lord knows it probably didn’t.
Just be concise and full of vital info, try and tell it not state it. I wish I could read your book, maybe then I could see the tiny details to add. I loved everything story I have read that you wrote, so no doubt that magical query is in there. Keep it up and Best of luck)